Someone has compiled a list of 88 reasons the Olympics should NOT be held in New York City.
OLYMPICS GO HOME
88 things the International Olympic Committee should know about New
York City before making a decision about 2012.
1. We already have an "Olympic Shooting Center" in the Bronx. It's
called the Bronx.
2. When the Olympic Village isn't completed on time, we're going to
overcharge you to sublet our shitty tenement one-bedroom.
3. They can hide the dirty homeless people from you while you're here
visiting, but hiding them for two full weeks during the Games will be
nigh on impossible.
4. We already gave the rest of America an excuse to become flag-waving idiots.
5. We've been confusing the Paralympics with the Special Olympics.
We're actually applying to bring the latter here.
6. Better get a permit for all those velodrome events. The last time a
bunch of bicyclists got together for a ride, the cops arrested them
and took away their bikes.
7. Think Munich, writ large.
8. When "9/11" was brought up on every other page in the city's
proposal, didn't that set off a few alarms?
9. Construction will displace huge colonies of majestic wharf rats.
Ever seen our wharf rats?
10. It's going to cost a fortune to paint the black sprinters orange
to keep the police from shooting them.
11. Imagine JFK's immigration control in seven years, under President Giuliani.
12. Astoria will smell like burning goats for two weeks if the Greeks
win any medals.
13. Christo has plans to wrap the Olympic Village in four million
square feet of Fruit Roll-Ups.
14. It's been known to rain razor blades, dirty syringes and anvils
for days at a time every summer.
15. No matter what the mayor promises you, he can't get rid of the pee smell.
16. Three-quarters of the audience at the women's uneven parallel bar
competition will be in violation of Megan's Law.
17. No, Queens is not "just minutes from Times Square!"
18. You obviously weren't around for the Puerto Rican Day parade.
19. The only fencing our mayor enjoys is the kind around his mansion.
20. You sure you have the right place? We're New York—two syllables.
Newark is that way, just across the river.
21. All participants at events in the "Olympic Aquatic Center at
Williamsburg Waterfront Park" will be required to compete while
dressed up as characters from John Hughes movies.
22. We can't even keep New Jersey from sneaking in every Friday night.
And terrorists are a lot smarter than people from New Jersey.
23. Meow Mix closed down last summer—the female weightlifters will
have nowhere to go.
24. If you hold the opening or closing ceremonies at Ground Zero,
we're going to kick your pan-ethnic asses.
25. Orders to Jacob the Jeweler are already backed up. He won't have
your diamond-encrusted Olympic medals finished on time.
26. Our much-vaunted peaceful diversity is just waiting for an excuse
to be riven to bits by interethnic jingoistic hoopla.
27. Don't count on those softball, cycling and equestrian centers;
we're kicking Staten Island out in the next referendum.
28. We can't let anyone run through our streets with a torch. We did
that back in the 70s.
29. You think Athens had corrupt contractors? Ever hired a union
plumber in this city?
30. Mayor Bloomberg is working on a deal to make the Clear Channel
logo the sixth ring on the Olympic logo.
31. Tickets for Nathan Lane in Pole Vault: The Musical will be
impossible to get.
32. The Chinese won't come. Too many Falun Gong members walking around freely.
33. The MTA's garbled loudspeakers will not be fixed by 2012.
34. Mayor Bloomberg is not actually authorized to convert Ellis Island
into a "world-class ice creamery and sandwich stand" for the duration
of the Olympics.
35. Plans are already afoot to traffic the Romanian gymnastics team to
Philadelphia to work as prostitutes.
36. Our dog feces contain toxic amounts of Ebola. Stepping on just one
sidewalk turd means instant death.
37. That $12 billion in projected revenue will be spent on postcards
printed in China, t-shirts woven in Malaysia and venti mocha coconut
frappuccinos made by the sovereign nation of Starbucks. That doesn't
really help us.
38. London's paratransit system is years ahead of ours. Don't you
think they're more qualified to host the Paralympics?
39. We have a friend in Moscow who can show you a real good time.
That's right: Moscow, Moscow, Moscow…
40. Only gay men wear Spandex in New York City. You want the
decathletes to look gay?
41. They're going to complete the Freedom Tower in 2008, which means
you'll be too early for the five-year memorial of its destruction.
42. Athletes need to pay another $5 to go back on that stupid Air
Train. What kind of city builds a shitty monorail, then overcharges
everyone to use it?
43. When the white doves are released, they're gonna get mauled by our pigeons.
44. How about we host the Olympics in 2024? You can piggyback with the
big quadricentennial celebration.
45. Your 10-to-one Euro-to-dollar exchange rate will go further in, say, Boise.
46. "Bloomberg would sell his first-born to bring the Olympics to New
York City" was just a figure of speech.
47. We already have enough Wall Street jackasses filling the sports
bars. We don't need Wall Street-style jackasses from every other
financial district in the world to converge here all at once.
48. There aren't enough weed-delivery services to go around. The Dutch
teams alone…
49. Most visitors won't be allowed on the island—we have a law banning
tourists wearing white socks with sandals.
50. Every time the Ecuadorian soccer team sits down for a meal,
they'll be sent back to help in the kitchen.
51. Shot puts and javelins will not be allowed through airport security.
52. Even in 2012, the Apple store still won't have any iPod Shuffles in stock.
53. The C.H.U.D. problem has not been resolved, and their thirst for
the blood of foreign athletes is worse than ever.
54. Upon stadium completion, Bloomberg will insist upon being called "Nero."
55. You'll be riding the 7 train back and forth. Ever ride the 7 train
during rush hour?
56. Have you noticed that about eight million people are already
crammed into an area the size of a backyard in Sweden?
57. Our cab drivers won't have time to learn "fuck you" in 200
languages. Their current 34 may not suffice.
58. If our dealer stops selling our favorite drugs in favor of
steroids, you're in big, big trouble.
59. We're not looking forward to the inevitable Olympic ring-inspired
cupcake arrangements on the front page of the New York Times Dining
Out section.
60. Strip-club blowjobs will be priced triple during the Olympic fortnight.
61. We will be forced to institute a UK Tourist Tax to cover the cost
of additional security needed to control British hooligans.
62. Our piss-test labs are already backed up with the
government-employee samples.
63. Mayor Bloomberg's post-Olympic plans call for a New York Public
School Battle Royale 2013, to be held in the new stadium.
64. The retractable dome over Manhattan—if it's even completed in
time—will do little more than keep in all the bad smells.
65. All those Japanese tourists taking photos on the subway will be arrested.
66. Don't believe the mayor's press secretary: "Sucker" is not a term
of endearment that Mayor Bloomberg "uses with his good friends and
future business partners."
67. A drunken-fireman brawl will inevitably result in four-alarm torch tragedy.
68. We're going to be even grouchier.
69. You will be required to book corporate-catering favorites Jack
Mack and the Heart Attack for closing ceremonies.
70. The Olympic Village will be converted into homes that 18,000
working-class New Yorkers can't afford.
71. We aren't anything like those smiling hippies on the billboards.
Not deep down, we're not.
72. Holding the water ballet events in the surf off Coney Island is a
very bad idea.
73. We really must insist on speaking to the good people of Athens
before we sign anything.
74. Terror-alert-addled citizens will confuse the Olympic logo for the
biohazard symbol. Chaos will follow.
75. The mayor is just doing this on account of some petty, personal grudge.
76. Before you make any decisions, try to get across town on any
weekday afternoon.
77. We don't do water volleyball.
78. Athletes will be contractually obligated to drink nothing but Snapple.
79. Madrid, London, Paris or Moscow would make much, much better hosts.
80. After the mayor tells you about the subway extension that will
make getting to the stadium quick and easy, we suggest you call the
MTA and ask them how work on the 2nd Ave. subway is coming along.
81. The only thing we liked about the plan was the East River ferry
system. And that's been killed.
82. Mayor Brodeur is going to take back everything former Mayor
Bloomberg promised.
83. The signs are everywhere, and they're really pissing us off.
84. We're already the best city in the world—without your help, thanks
very much.
85. We suggest you visit Queens before getting too excited about
sticking an Olympic Village over there.
86. Never been here in the summer, have you?
87. If Bloomberg wants it, it's bad for the city.
88. You may have heard some crazy things, but the mayor never really
discussed this with us.
could be better, but pretty funny
Posted by: simba at November 29, 2005 11:30 AM